22. Finding balance
but not sure if it even exists as a mom and a freelancer
Hi to all the new subscribers! This past week I saw an uptick of new faces and folks subscribing thanks to photo editors Olivier Laurent and Cengiz Yar.
Welcome! This is a place where I freely write and share my most recent thoughts and hope it resonates with someone out there. A mix of my work, my thoughts on freelancing and some personal musings can be found here.
A few weeks ago I shared a post on Instagram on feeling the weight of being a mom and freelancing. This post gained more traction than most of my posts do because I know it resonated with SO many people. Even non-parents were sympathetic, because this is a larger societal issue.
Soon after, A Photo Editor published an interview between Angie Smith and Kenny Hurtado on walking away from photography. The more I talk with people who have specifically walked away from photojournalism and freelancing, the more I wonder if that’s the next step for me. I hate thinking that money or the failing state of our industry is a reason why I might not stay, but I recognize it’s also reality.
But deep down, I haven’t heard or felt anything that’s telling me to pivot. Not yet. I know one day I will. I’ve been freelancing since 2014 and full-time since 2017 so I’m impressed I’ve made it this far.
This got me thinking about what sustains me and helps me find some balance in my life when the industry is unpredictable and broken. The balance is in not being so bound to my work and the industry. Earlier this month, I spent a week in LA at the National Geographic Storyteller summit and a day with the Authority Collective’s POC Visual Leadership gathering. I loved meeting new people and photographers I looked up to from around the world, reconnecting with old friends, and learning about new projects. But, truthfully, a week felt just right. Any longer, and I’m not sure if my anxious mind could have handled it.
I know I have a life outside of this space and I am finally giving priority to that. This was not the case when I first started off. I gave so much of my life to the industry, and my whole identity thrived off of it. This won’t be my life forever so I have to be particular with what I invest in.
The things that help keep me balanced these days….
Climbing and having an accountability buddy. Every Monday night, I meet my friend Gina to climb. I also schedule meet ups with other climbers once or twice a week. I ask friends who have never tried to join me. I love the progress I’m making, the friendships that are developing and feeling stronger.
Marco polo talks with friends. This has become one of my favorite modes of communicating with my friends. It’s a video messaging app and it has allowed me to share, in real time, when I’m struggling or when I need to process a difficult situation. I’ve developed deep deep bonds with my friends here because we have this open mode of communicating. This is the case for even my friends that live in Philly with me. We’re not waiting for a coffee hang out to catch up, but I’m able to keep up with the day to day shenanigans of life. Often when we are going through a hard time, we wait for it to pass, give a recap to our friends and wonder why we felt so alone in it all. Something about this doesn’t seem right. I want to be in it when you’re having a hard time and I hope people will be in it with me when I’m going through a difficult time. If you know anything about me, I deeply deeply value friendship. This piece by Cody Cook-Parrot has me thinking a lot about companionship in friendship.
Reading. I finally have the mental capacity and energy to focus and read. In 2021 I read 40 books and also started a bookstagram. Despite it being one of the busiest years for work, I made reading a priority to stay sane. After becoming pregnant and having a baby, I struggled in 2022 and 2023 to read. By some miracle, my energy levels have somewhat returned and I’ve read 9 books so far thanks to audiobooks and ebooks. In order to keep the momentum, I read a new book as soon as I finish one. Audiobooks are also always on when I drive, even if I listen for 10-15 minute intervals. Currently reading Endless Repeat: Essays and Outtakes by the late Anthony Veasna So
If we’ve talked online or in person, you’ve probably felt my anxiety and pessimism on how I’m feeling about my career. But I know there’s more in me, but I am hoping for it to feel more sustainable. I want to give it my all this year. I am starting a personal project on the transition new moms go through. I know there are still good things that lay ahead; a few weddings, some travel gigs, family trips, and pitches that are being considered. Maybe it’s the January/February blues and slowness that had me down, but as the sun is out today, I do a feel a tinge of hope when I think how this year may unfold.
I share this because I know I’m not alone in feeling overwhelmed in this industry. The state of journalism and media isn’t in the greatest place, so I know this isn’t a ME problem. When I shared that I had one gig in February on instagram, dozens lamented with me because it’s the scary reality of our work. I don’t want to be consumed by what is out of my control. There are things I can control and give my attention and time to. Learning to detach myself from allowing my work to be ALL of who I am, and letting it be a small part of who I am.
If you have suggestions or ideas on how to find balance, please share in the comments!
In December 2023, I met with the Pennsbury High School girl’s wrestling team for Philadelphia Magazine. The story was about the growing sport of girl’s wrestling in Pennsylvania after it officially was sanctioned as a high-school sport.
The New York Times published a story on how couple’s are navigating talking about Israel and Gaza when one person isn’t Jewish. I met Mindy and Kevan who talked about how though they are on the same page, Kevan, who grew up Catholic, didn’t fully understand the extent what it meant to be part of the community and critical of Israel.
Other news…
As mentioned above, I spent a week in Los Angeles earlier this month at the National Geographic Storytellers Summit. The best part was meeting photographers from all over the world. We saw beautiful works in progress from 40 photographers, learned about different programming the National Geographic Society offers and most importantly, learned the importance of being in community in our industry.
This Thursday, February 29 I’ll be speaking on a panel with Stephanie Sinclair, Joy Malone and Maryanne Golon at the NPPA’s Northern Shortcourse conference on the topic of finding work-life balance! Hope to see some of you there
Links, podcasts, blogs ✨✨✨
Mosab Abu Toha’s piece in the New Yorker on his family’s struggle to find food in Gaza
The Journal published a conversation between Marta Iwanek and Oksana Parafeniuk, two Ukrainian photographers, as they talk about photographing Ukraine and seeing images of war.
Natalie Keyssar published a story in the Washington Post on Stories of love and loss in the shadow of Ukraine’s war
My friend Cindy recommended this Ezra Klein podcast episode about anxiety and it being a habit you can unlearn.
Another Ezra Klein episode my friend Kim recommended is this one about the deep and important role friendships have in our lives
A disturbing but important piece of journalism by the New York Times on what’s going on in places like Instagram, pedophiles and moms who run their kids accounts.
I recently learned about Carter G Woodson, the founder of Black History Month - listen to this WBEZ episode and how BHM has its roots in Chicago
✨✨✨ Until next time!
Love that Philly mag story
Thank you so much for your honesty Hannah! I'm not a photographer, but as a fellow freelancer I've been feeling the waves of pessimism about my career as well. Sending you strength and solidarity!
Also I'm listening to the Ezra Klein podcast episode about unlearning anxiety now (much needed), thank you and thank you Cindy!