24. Finding myself
beyond my work and what I make
I almost didn’t have a newsletter for you today. I wasn’t sure if this would be relevant to anyone reading. I’ve been contemplating a lot about my relationship with work, what matters, what doesn’t and what it all means to be at this moment.
Lately, I’ve been quietly grounding myself in everything else but my work. This isn’t to say I’m ambivalent or indifferent to my work, but I don’t feel my identity and who I am is as strongly confined to the work I do. Of course, I am extremely grateful for my job, how far I’ve come and what I still have ahead of me. But using productivity to boost my personality and who I am no longer feels worth it.
Truthfully, I think I liked using my work as a way to impress others or receive recognition from people around me. Before I became a photographer, I didn’t feel like I had anything I was good at or anything I was confident in. Entering the photojournalism world was finally the THING for me. But I put a lot of weight into it and it came with a lot of burdens. I mean, to tell someone “I work for the New York Times/Washington Post/Wall Street Journal” sounds pretty cool, but knowing how easily that can be taken away from me makes me rethink how much I should put my worth into that idea.
As I move through my life and all the experiences within it, I’m learning to shed the burden of expectation, the burden to impress, the burden of being liked and the burden of feeling I need to prove myself. Who am I trying to impress? I don’t know anymore but I don’t feel compelled to let these burdens be my guide in how I move through my day to day life.
The nature of my industry is to create work and have a visual voice that an editor likes so they hire you. We’re all doing this while hundreds of others are doing the same. And then on top of that, you’re hoping the editor like you as a person. If an editor likes your work, you’ll keep getting hired. If you never hear from them again, you won’t know why. There’s no performance review for us at the end of the year or after an assignment. You just have to assume either you did something wrong, your work isn’t for them, or someone ‘better’ or different has come along. I know, for the most part, it isn’t personal.
Ask any freelance photographer in my industry and I think everyone would agree that there’s a sense of gratification that comes with getting a call or email, especially from THAT editor from THAT publication. It feels GOOD to be wanted and needed. But, if who I am and my worth and value comes from all that, the lack of calls or emails will destroy me. It has. My ego depended on this dynamic.
As an enneagram type 3, my greatest fear is to be worthless. To not be of value. I want to be important and valuable to people around me and the work I do. And since I was capable, being validated by getting hired, I put ALL of myself into this job. It wasn’t just a job to me. It was an all consuming lifestyle and I revolved everything around my identity as a freelance photojournalist. Everything was secondary and I think I took pride in what I did. But it no longer feels healthy or even sane to keep living like this.
Also, I think many of us freelance photojournalist believe we are important because the work we do is seen as important. Don’t get me wrong, a lot of the stories I get to work on are important, but sometimes I might be a bit delusional in believing how important I really am.
A few years ago, while working on a long-term story I asked an editor what the purpose or goal of our project was. I wondered if we’d make any policy impact or would our story actually change readers’ minds? He reminded me, first and foremost, our work will be a record of history. This has kept me grounded in my work. I’m not deceiving myself into thinking I’m creating groundbreaking work. Instead, everything I do, will be a record of this time we are living through.
Going on vacation earlier this month with my family allowed me to take a breather from the exhaustion I was feeling earlier this year. I was extremely depressed with the state of my work and there were days I couldn’t get out of bed. There were days I lamented about why this editor never called me or why that editor stopped working with me. There were nights I would anxiously scramble to think of pitch ideas to stay relevant. There were weeks I didn’t want to see or meet any friends. I couldn’t see beyond my own thoughts.
These days though, maybe because of the sun and warmth, I am looking at the gifts I have in front of me: my husband, my son, my family, my people in Philly, my people abroad and the ways we are walking through our respective and joint lives together. My sense of who I am can be shaped and grounded by the relationships I am in. The stronger and healthier your relationships are, the happier you will be. Quality relationships will outlast my work and my ability to be a photographer. My work often creates a fleeting sense of feeling important and valued, but it doesn’t last long. Investing in my people will allow for a more secure sense of self and that’s all I want and need right now.
Recent Work…
In Ocean Grove, New Jersey the beaches are closed on Sundays because the Methodist camp meeting associating owns the town. I went with reporter Sarah Pulliam Bailey to talk to people living there to see how they felt about this ahead of the town and state going to court over whether this should continue.
Door Dash has a fun magazine called Secret Menu where they spend time in different cities across the country featuring the city’s best restaurants and chefs. I worked on a story about Philly’s growing Vietnamese food scene and how many of the restaurants are being run by second generation Vietnamese Americans.
I spent four days with NPR Morning Edition host Michele Martin to explore the issue of gun violence and what this means for the 2024 election. We met various non-profits, families that lost loved ones to gun violence, and activists that have been working and find ways to navigate this issue of gun violence.
I recently met Professor Ethan Mollick at the University of Pennsylvania for the Wall Street Journal for a profile on Mollick. He has a popular substack all about AI and generally has become the go-to expert on anything AI related. I loved the freedom I had with making photos with him since my editor gave me details about who he was. Sometimes we show up and don’t know anything about the people we are meeting. Right away, I knew Professor Mollick was a quirky, fast-moving, and open minded person which gave me liberty to experiment with the portraits.
Other published work…
The Atlantic - The Undecided Women of Bucks County
The Wall Street Journal - The Big Problem for Marijuana Companies? What to Do With All That Cash
The New York Times - Now Hiring: Sophisticated (but Part-Time) Chatbot Tutors
Other updates…
I spent this past weekend in New York City with a group of photographers learning from photo editor Andrea Wise on all things photo editing related. We talked about what makes a good photo editor (strong communication), the importance of mental health (have a good transition ritual between your home life and work life), how to sequence photos (linear vs thematic approach) and thinking about the relationship between the work we do and the people viewing the work.
In June, I will be speaking at a Korean American youth conference in Chicago about my work as a photographer. I feel honored to have this opportunity. It will be through a South Korean Peaceful Unification Advisory Council. When I was younger, I didn’t even think there were options in the creative field so I hope to give a glimpse into alternative careers for young Korean Americans.
A fun reel on our travels to Cambridge, UK made by yours truly
Links, podcasts, blogs ✨✨✨
Nedra Glover Tawwab blog on learning to validate ourselves without a cosign from others
Jonathan Haidt wants you to take away your kids’ phones in the New Yorker
23 Photographers show us what they saw on April 8 during the solar eclipse on Andy Adam’s blog
Beautiful photos of everyday Palestinian life before the Nakkba
We Can Do Hard Things episode on how to break up with busyness and letting go of your to-do list (Thanks to Rachel Wisniewski for the timely recommendation)
Cengiz Yar sharing about his time at the U.S. - Mexico border on his recent newsletter
Julia Lee’s book “Biting the Hand: Growing Up Asian in Black and White America” is helping me process the experiences of Asian Americans/Korean Americans
✨✨✨ Until next time!
I see you and I see myself in this newsletter. Thank you for sharing 🖤
Thank you so much for sharing this. I've recently been reevaluating my relationship to photography and a photography "career," and I appreciate you sharing the things that have been grounding you outside of photography.